how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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