i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
