Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
