I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
