no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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