Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
