WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
