we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
