I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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