Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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