Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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