Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
