Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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