I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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