I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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