I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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