and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
