I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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