you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
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Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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