Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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