haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
