So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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