I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I need to stop coming to work sober
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
