I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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