I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
