hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
