i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Someone came in the potted fern
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
