Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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