New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
