I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
