I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
