she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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