you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
