You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
