how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
