He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
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i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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