Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
