Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
