Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
