I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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