Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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