Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I intend to get homeless drunk
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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