The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
