we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
