Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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