i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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