Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize