Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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