but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Small penises have feelings too.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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