I am in a vortex of obligation.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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