I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?