Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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