I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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