Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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