I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
