So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
