I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
