I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
