I just threw up on my dentist
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Randomize
