The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
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