you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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