I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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